Today, I did what every unemployed fresh college graduate would/should do – I cleaned my room. Of course, I don’t really have a room, more like 4 or 5 pockets of mess for each time I transfer my working space around the house. (Yes, I am a nomad inside my own house.) This alone seemed like a very grown up thing to do: fixing my stuff on a Sunday, without my parents telling me to do so.
I would be lying, however, if I said this is the first time I’ve done this. In fact, I find that there’s a certain zen in cleaning. It focuses the mind, while at the same time relaxing it. According a documentary I recently watched called “Happy” (Netflix), this is akin to something called flow, which is a primary indicator for happiness. Flow is what you experience when your mind is both focused and relaxed. Flow can be found in sports, in socialising, in reading a book, and many other things, including apparently in my case, cleaning. I suspect it won’t be long ’til I find myself cleaning again.
As I sorted a niche in my brother’s room, where I used to keep my high school materials, I came across a treasure trove of things I almost forgot about – class pictures, prom pictures, graduation pictures, pins, ballers, and IDs. I found a stack of name tags from all the different events and committees I used to join or lead. It seems odd that I almost forgot about these as I take great pride in my early experiences in high school.
Going through the puzzle pieces of my past, I had some feelings of disappointment. High school were some of the best years of my life. Most of who I am and how I am was formed during high school. Aside from academics, I had strong engagement in different clubs and committees, both as a member and as a leader. College was the disappointment – disappointment in my university and disappointment in myself. It’s a long story worth its own blog post or more. Bottomline: after 5 years of studying civil engineering and with a difficult board exam looming, I have no plans of pursuing the field. In terms of extracurriculars, my accomplishments were low and few. The times I was a leader were marred with mediocrity and disorganisation. Don’t get me wrong; I liked the orgs and people I worked with, but something was missing – a spark, a fire – one that I have yet to rediscover. I don’t mean to be hard on myself; I just think (and hope?) that I could have done more and that I can do more.
There is an odd feeling growing up (at least up to how far I’ve gone). From 5 to 8 years ago to now, I feel like I am the same person. Practically all that I am now feels like it stemmed from who I was in high school. But am I really the same? Reading the letters from my palanca box (letters from family and friends given during a retreat) gave me two important takeaways.
Letters from my closest friends – most of whom I no longer talk with regularly – indicate that I was quite frequently sad during my high school years. I can’t believe that I almost forgot about that! Yes, it is quite true that I had frequent bouts of sadness. (I dare not use the term depression, in this situation.) The letters would tell me to not be so “emo” or sad all the time, especially given everything that I had going for me. Some friends said that they can tell I feel sad often even without me telling them. Although I am not immune from the vulnerabilities of sadness, I do think that in recent years, I don’t feel sad quite as often. Perhaps out of will or perhaps out of circumstance, my mind has grown to be more geared for ambition, optimism, and focus.
The second takeaway is that I found reassurance that I have the potential to achieve my dreams. (Truly, who doesn’t?) Some letters from teachers and friends alike expressed their appreciation for everything that I did. They commended me for all my work and service to fellow students, the school, and society. A few even emphasised how much of a mark I made on their lives. Now, as a matter of full disclosure, I have to share that it is part of the recipe of these palancas to make the recipient feel loved and appreciated. Well, they sure do work. HAHAHA. However, I do not doubt the sincerity of my friends and teachers. Their belief in me, in what I stand for, and what I can do inspires me to think that I am on the right track.
High school definitely holds some of the best years of my life, and I still accredit it for molding much of who I am today. In college, there were two common ways to describe my personality: robotic or quiet. Although college was a disappointment, it seems that I have kicked the habit of feeling sad too often. (Really, in most cases, what is there to be sad about?) I am now trying to channel all of that energy into aspiration and optimism.
The next time life feels confusing and messy, clean. Whether consciously or subconsciously, you might just end up finding yourself. Rediscover who you are and where you’re from, then work from there. Perhaps this is how it is growing up from now on.
P.S.
I wrote this blog entry the first time – over 1000 words. I worked hard for it; the diction and construction was good; I loved it. Then apparently, my Internet was bad that time and so the draft only saved up to 240 words. If you’ve ever experienced this, you must understand the great pain in having to rewrite. Your mind is constantly bothered by what you wrote the first time and by the annoyance of the loss. As such, the entry I wrote here is much simpler and bare. It’s definitely not as good as the first one, but hopefully delivers the gist anyway. Feel free to comment below!